When Someone You Love Hurts You: Understanding Boundaries During Divorce

Cruel words from strangers can sting, but the deepest wounds often come from those we know—and once loved. In divorce, these hurts cut deeper, because the person who once promised to protect your heart may now be the one hurting it.

Why does it hurt so much? Often, it’s not just the betrayal or the loss—it’s the disconnect in how each person understands pain and respect. We all grow up learning what’s “normal” in relationships based on our family dynamics. One person may see raised voices as passion; another sees them as aggression. These mismatches become emotional minefields in a relationship, especially during divorce.

The key difference between relationships that feel safe and those that hurt is boundaries. When boundaries are respected, people feel secure, heard, and valued. But when boundaries are violated—whether through criticism, dismissiveness, or emotional manipulation—pain becomes a constant undercurrent.

Signs someone respects boundaries:

• You feel emotionally safe around them.

• They listen without judgment.

• They don’t try to win arguments by pointing out your flaws.

• They empathize and celebrate your successes.

• You can disagree without fear of rejection.

Signs someone doesn’t respect boundaries:

• You hide your vulnerability out of fear.

• They use criticism to gain control.

• They argue for the sake of power, not resolution.

• They dismiss your emotions or make you feel small.

• You feel insecure, unheard, or constantly on the defensive.

If these patterns sound familiar, it’s time to pause and reflect—not just on the other person’s behavior, but on your own responses. Ask yourself:

1. Do I allow this dynamic to continue?

2. Do I also cross boundaries in moments of pain or fear?

3. Why am I still giving permission for this kind of hurt?

You can’t force someone to change—but you can renegotiate your boundaries. If someone continues to hurt you, find a calm moment to say: “I’ve noticed a pattern that affects me deeply. I want to talk about how we can handle things differently.” Don’t demand change. Invite awareness.

And if that doesn’t work, you’re left with three clear choices:

1. Try to fix it.

2. Put up with it (consciously, not passively).

3. Walk away.

Too often, people cycle between these without committing to a path. But clarity brings power. Make a list of reasons for each option. Talk to someone you trust. Then take the step that aligns with your emotional well-being.

You can’t change your ex. But you can change how much access they have to your emotional space. Educating yourself about hurt—and how it’s allowed to grow—is the first step toward healing.

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